I was supposed to be in Kenya...

Where were you 'supposed to be' today? For the last ten days, I was supposed to have been experiencing my first trip to Kenya to serve children, teachers, women and pastors from the community of Nyahururu. Then came the COVID-19 virus upon the world. After months of preparation, planning and prayer, the eight members of our team began to accept and grieve this loss of adventure, opportunity to serve and get to know others in God’s beautiful world.

As I sat with the Lord to consider the disappointment our team was feeling after so much anticipation, I thought about the apostle Paul. He likely felt similar conflicting emotions in his life of ministry. Paul longed to be with the people, in the places he wrote letters that to, that we have in the New Testament. I love Paul’s vulnerability to be honest about his struggle with a different type of social distancing in his letter to the Romans:

“First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you,

because your faith is being reported all over the world.

God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son,

is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times;

and I pray that now at last by God’s will the way may be opened for me to come to you.

I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— that is,

that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.

I do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters,

that I planned many times to come to you

(but have been prevented from doing so until now)

in order that I might have a harvest among you,

just as I have had among the other Gentiles.” Romans 1:8-13

Most of us find ourselves saying “I was supposed to be” or “I had hoped to be” over these last several days. Each of us is grieving these plans, places, circumstances and desires of our heart. As the world changes rapidly in effort to stop or slow down the COVID-19 virus., we have a world in grief. And culturally, in America, we avoid grief.

Grief is the emotional response to change, loss or disappointment. Grief is characterized as conflicting emotions. For example, I feel grateful to be healthy today while also disappointed I am not in Kenya. Generally, we can struggle to experience these opposite emotions at the same time. So, we try hard to stay in the ‘happy lane’ of life by avoidance, distraction, drinking, eating or Netflix! In grief, it is healthy to give ourselves permission to feel sad, disappointed, angry or any of the negative emotions we prefer to avoid.

Keep in mind, the pain we avoid will eventually be a stronghold upon us.

God encourages us to pour out our hearts to Him, to be honest with Him about what we are feeling and thinking. “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8

Jesus said "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4 Blessed!

God prioritizes our heart health.

"Above all else, guard your heart,

for everything you do flows from it."

Proverbs 4:23

Healthy grief will involve negative emotions. This is not a lack of faith, it is just an honest response of the heart. So, let's be honest and lean into these grief emotions, entrusting God's Spirit, The Comforter, will give you the strength and hope to heal. God sees, hears and cares.

“In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”

Psalm 18:6

Grief is an emotional experience that rarely finds healing in the intellectual realm. Perhaps this is one reason God gives us this wisdom:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

What conflicting emotions you are experiencing today? Perhaps you are scared of the uncertainty ahead and also thankful for the health care providers on the front lines to care for those who are sick. Perhaps you are angry about what you were ‘supposed to be doing’ and also relieved to be safe and healthy today. That is healthy grief.

Paul longed to be in Rome, but at that time, God had him elsewhere. So, he wrote a letter to the church in Rome instead. And I am so grateful for his “instead”, because we have a letter that has taught me so much about God, myself, love, grace, hope and eternal life. Paul could not have imagined how God would use this letter to teach powerful truths, encourage others and save lives for eternity for centuries after his life on earth was over.

By faith, I am choosing to believe that God will use this “instead” of being where I was ‘supposed to be’ for a greater purpose than I can see today. Maybe for a greater good in my life, my family, or perhaps it is for someone in our community that I don’t know as we socially distance ourselves. Maybe our willingness to graciously accept the 'instead" will save someone else's life.

I am sorry Paul you didn’t get to be where your heart often wanted to be. Thank you for being honest about that and pressing on with what God gave you to do where you were. And thank you God for your faithfulness to tend to our hearts when we are scared, sad, disappointed and grieving what we have lost during this unique time in the history of our world. Be encouraged that God has determined the times and places for us with a purpose in mind- 'so that we will seek Him'.

“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:24-28

Praying you will join me in grieving and seeking God for healing, hope and new life.

Blessings, Mary Beth

March 22, 2020